Stewart Dawson
A Question of Equilibrium
“See that you walk carefully, not as a fool, but wise.”
(Ephesians, 5:15)
Alex used to wander away from the crowd to be pensive, mysterious and alone. Whether he was at a party, on a hike or any other gathering of friends or people that he knew, he often found himself separated from the rest. The melancholy was rich, the explanation was impossible, and the solitude was immense. Many times there was a special girl that he liked and he secretly wished that she would find him and talk to him. In his memory, none of them ever did. He eventually learned that he was using really lousy tactics.
Alex was never really afraid of girls, in fact, he simply adored them and found them absolutely fascinating. But he wasn’t very good at talking to them. He was especially bad at it if he had the big crush. The desire to get to know those girls was overwhelming and the terror of being rejected by them was breathtaking. (Nothing particularly unique about him there.)
There must have been something wrong with his ears. A bubble off-center, a ringing or maybe just a build-up of wax. He was always dizzy and reeling and falling off to the side whenever he tried to say hello. There was one girl, her name was Mary Delamarin, who was simply the prettiest girl in school. He always noticed her. She didn’t seem particularly popular like many of the other “pretty” girls, she was just Mary. She seemed nice and humble and god help him, she was as pretty as Paulette Goddard. Something just told him that he didn’t have a serial killer’s chance at the pearly gates to ever meet her. Once she sat behind him in chorus class and she had to listen to him sing. That sure was a clincher. He turned around once and said, “hi”. She said, “hi” back to him. That was it. The sum total of four or five years’ worth of potential conversation. And then he had to sing. With his voice and his looks, it would not be easy to change things in the world.
It was a year after Alex graduated from high school that he found himself in the seafood section of Foster’s Specialty Food shop, browsing the lobster tails for a few good specimens to make a hearty serving of lobster thermidor for his friends. When, abruptly and quite without warning, someone approached him from behind, threw her arms around him for a big hug, called him by name and said, “I haven’t seen you in such a long time! How are you?!” Alex could not believe his eyes. It was Mary Delamarin! Pretty as ever! She was working in the shop, recognized him and became very excited. It was suddenly as if they were childhood friends who grew up together and now, if he could’ve said the right thing, they would be married soon and have children of their own one day. Alex almost dropped his lobsters.
They stared at each other for a moment and Alex said something like, “Uh, wow.” (The ear problem.) “I’m buying some lobsters for my friends.” She said something like, “It’s so good to see you! We should get together sometime!” Alex should have said, “I’m making lobster thermidor, would you like to come over for dinner?” Instead, he said something like, “It’s nice to see you.” She said something like, “Yeah, it’s been a long time.” (Not even a year.) In those days, a year was a long time.Alex paid for his lobsters and stumbled off to the left and reeled out of the store. (The ear thing again.) He staggered over to his car and drove home. The lobster thermidor was a success. Mary Delamarin was not there to have it with him .