Stewart Dawson
From Whence Thou Oh Aardvark?
(The Warthog is a lovely beast,
It’s all a matter of taste,
De gustibus non est disputandum,
Of this, let us not make waste!)*
Now: Aardvark. Aardvark. Say it one more time: AARDVARK. (Deutsch: Erdferkel) What an absolutely perfect name for this animal. Warthog? Yep! Another one! But Aardvark. Would that humans could be so perfectly dubbed. It has its enormous claws dug into South Africa. The name comes from Afrikaans and roughly means Earth Pig. It’s an anteater. Actually, I think, mostly a termite eater. But there needs to be a new poem. “From Whence Thou Oh Warthog?” has been written. Now, in 2013, a new piece! It shall be called: ”And Hence Thou, the Aardvark”:
And Hence Thou, The Aardvark
Aardvark, aardvark, thy name says it best,
Just imagine that snout and forget all the rest!
A no, a yes, a gentle caress,
A what, a why, no easy reply.
The extensile tongue and sticky to boot,
The remarkable claws, meant solely to root.
Termites beware this difficult beast!
Lest ye become a delectable feast! (I know, I know, it needs some work, but later…)
“Compared to the Warthog, the Aardvark is irresistibly cute.” (How dare I make such an arrogant observation! Of all people who should know better.) As far as I know, warthogs and aardvarks have nothing to do with each other. I’d be willing to bet they would find each other resistibly repugnant, mutually appalling. No cross-breeding likely!
*Not to be considered an addition or alteration to the original: “From Whence Thou Oh Warthog”.
A very few people have been privileged to look down on the Earth from space. What they usually see is a lovely blue and brown globe robed in puffy and wispy white clouds, this gorgeous orb floating and rolling with little effort around the Sun. From a certain distance there are very few scars that are visible to the naked eye, scars that would betray what is actually happening on its surface. From that distance, it is very difficult to imagine the Earth crawling with insects. But, indeed, it is! Insects with opposable thumbs.
Termite mounds are not particularly attractive although in numbers, they can create an interesting natural sculpture garden. Termite mounds don’t need to be esthetically pleasing to the human eye. They serve their purpose with innate grace and practicality. But, of course, some people would call them ugly. Termite mounds, (termitaria as they are sometimes referred) are designed to supply air conditioning, in some cases a farm to grow crops of fungus, a refuge from the occasional great flood, and protection from predators. A place to reproduce and raise their young and a place to serve their queen: surely all of these purposes and more.
(Just for fun, use a fake, indignant English accent here, unless of course you are from England): Aardvarks are most curious creatures. They have elongated snouts with flat, pig-like noses. Their faces are designed to conceal a most tactile tongue which can be stuck out to a length almost equaling the measurement of the snout itself. Very sticky is this olfactory phallus allowing easy procurement of its evening meal. The ears are oddly long and erect rather mimicking or balancing the snout. The four legs are elephantine and squat with large spade-like claws with which they most assuredly use for digging burrows or foraging for the multitudes of most decidedly delicious termites that are the Aardvarks undeniably favorite suppers. The tail, again, replicates the face, and indeed if it weren’t for the most expressive and prominent eyeballs, one might mistake the creature coming for going. (We can dispense with the accent now…)
Now, close your eyes really tight and imagine if you will, the next science fiction horror film: “The Attack of Aardvarks from Space!” By the thousands, they arrive in trans-galactic ships that could only be designed, built and flown by intellectually advanced creatures with prehensile tongues. Hideous beings as large as whales, with snouts the size of school buses. Spotted and reeking of horrid alien musk, they arrive in hoards, hungry and desperate to devour human flesh!
“Run away! Run away! They’re picking us off by the thousands! Guns, tanks, cannons, warplanes have no effect! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!”
Only nuclear poison gas will kill them but it will poison the Earth as well. There is no hope. Mankind is doomed. And people have the audacity to claim warthogs are ugly. I can still think of things uglier than warthogs.